2021: A Yearly Examen
As I start this annual Examen, let me first be present with where I am—Mom is taking a nap beside me, one of our cats Dylan is sleeping on his little bed, it’s almost lunchtime, and birds are singing outside.
Last year, we had to celebrate Christmas and New Year’s separately. This year, we’re together, and we got to spend the latter parts of November until half of December with my Dad whom we didn’t get to be with for almost two years because of the pandemic and travel restrictions.
We don’t have a Christmas tree, but hmm, we do have Christmas garlands! Hurry, let’s put it around each other, and let’s put our cat in between! Now we’re a Christmas three! :D
For the past days, I’ve been trying to recount what my 2021 was like, and I found myself blurring 2020 and 2021, thinking and feeling they were one and the same—years where I felt fear, worry, anxiety, grief and experienced loss and grief.
Although there were many reasons that kept me pensive about life, health, family, friends, and livelihood, I want to do the Examen with mindful reflection and grace from God.
The Examen is part of St. Ignatius of Loyola’s Spiritual Exercises wherein we reflect on the day we had. Below is a guide from Philip Kosloski:
After placing yourself in God’s presence, first give thanks to God for all the many blessings received during the past year. Pass through each month, remembering the blessings that occurred.
Pray for the grace to understand God’s divine providence.
Next, review each month again and take notice of any feelings or movements that occur in your heart while doing this activity. Whatever you may feel (whether it was a good feeling or bad feeling), ask God to help you understand why an event happened.
Fourth, ask pardon for any sins you committed, trusting fully in God’s mercy.
Last of all look forward to the New Year think of ways that you can collaborate more with God’s loving plan for your life. (Article written by Philip Kosloski from Aleteia.org)
Thanksgiving
I’m thankful for getting to be with my Mom and Dad, for finally learning how to ride a bike thanks to Kuya Stephen, for our friends in our cat-feeding volunteer group who make sure the kitties are taken care of, for blessings in the form of kind people, for meeting and caring for new cats like Summer, Autumn, Tortie, Oliver, Bonnie, Clyde, and Rajah (named after Jasmine’s Tiger in Aladdin!), for self-publishing my fourth book called ‘The Things We’re Afraid to Say’, for clients and friends who trusted in me to create work for them, for my kind patrons on Patreon, for the wedding and marriage of my good friends Julie with Marko and then Kate with Kuya Jk, for finding kindred spirits in A to Z Crew (hi, KB, Jay, Nikka, Zheng, Bea, and Janelle!), for music by musicians that kept me afloat (hello, JPOP and KPOP and of course all-time faves), for writing a lot of stuff and reading books, and for finding calmness in playing games like Spiritfarer, Genshin Impact, and Fate/Grand Order (mostly now—thank you always to a good friend with all his good recommendations!).
I’m thankful too to Magis Creative Spaces and my kind therapist there. I attended psychotherapy and counseling sessions (one-on-one and group) this year, and it has helped me a lot. They gave me the tools I need every day to keep my worries at bay and to affirm myself. My mental health wasn’t at its peak this year, and whenever I was running low, I didn’t like how I acted or thought. So I try to remember and apply all I’ve learned in the therapy sessions and from my therapist.
I also realized this year that I may be a highly sensitive person. I didn’t have a name for my trait before, and because of something that happened, at least now I have a name for it and can truly learn how to make it more of a strength than a weakness.
Lastly, I’m thankful for my family and our quiet, funny, and meaningful moments, friends and the conversations we have, and the cats and dogs we live with.
Understanding God’s Providence
When I went back to the province last September, I had to say goodbye to our friends who I feed with the cats with in our residence. And of course, that means saying goodbye to the cats there too. God’s hand was there when I had to leave, because around just a week after, another came who volunteered, and she’s done so much for the cats!
Back in my Tumblr years, I followed Ate Kathy, and it was through her that I learned about Magis Creative Spaces. Back then, I wouldn’t have known that it would be something that could help me grow better as a person today.
Temper my intemperance, O Lord,
O hallowed, O adored,
my heart's creator, mighty, wild,
temper thy untempered child.
Blaze my eye and blast my ear,
let me never fear to fear,
nor forget what I have heard,
even your voice, my Lord.
Even your Word.
— Madeleine L’Engle
I first knew the word ‘regulate’ from a psychotherapy session.
Last week, I came upon a question posted by the child of a singer in a band that I like, and it went exactly like this: “What does it feel like to be you?” And that careened me to thoughts of people I know, making me wonder: what does it feel like to be them? And of course, what did it feel like to be me?
I’m an emotional person. I’m a more-heart-than-head girl. I used to believe it was bad, but a dear friend reminded me of how important the heart was. I was heart-centered. The only problem was to regulate the intense emotions that I felt and to not react or act upon them, especially if these are feelings like anxiety, sadness, loneliness, anger, or pain.
So the word ‘regulate’ stuck with me when I first heard it used in relation to understanding and controlling my feelings, my acknowledgment of them, and my responses to them.
Last week, I discovered (or rather, noticed) a way to control them in relation to the word ‘regulate.’ Regulate means maintaining the rate or speed of a machine or a process. How can one do this? I imagined knobs (like a volume control or of a stove) and then I would lift my left hand to turn down the imaginary knob in front of me, and I feel my emotions simmer rather than letting them lift the lid.
I don’t turn off the knob; it is important to feel the feeling, not necessarily act on it or believe what it’s saying, especially if the feeling is unkind to me. It is important to acknowledge and to not shake it off.
When I’m having my episodes of self-doubt, I receive one or two messages out of the blue about a friend or a reader saying that they like my work and that I should keep going. Truly, God does send us each other.
My cousin shared with me a video he liked. Grandma shared this video with him first, and then he shared it with me. It spoke to me as well. It’s called “Feeling Sorry for Yourself?” by Ascension Presents. I liked what Fr. Mike said about how sometimes our self-pity can make us focus only on ourselves. It’s okay to acknowledge feeling this way, but we mustn’t dwell there, because it’d just be inward-thinking. How can we see other people who have needs or who are hurting if we are only zeroing in on ourselves?
Feelings throughout the Year
Being a highly sensitive person, I felt my emotions even more deeply this year.
There was irritation, disappointment, stress, anger, helplessness, fear, and anxiety. Throughout the year, I felt drained and pressured and overwhelmed, crying every now and then.
And there was grief: grief because we lost someone in the family, my Tita Miles, whom we love very much. We went through a lot as a family this year, and I learned more about grief and loss. There’s many to unpack and process, but we’re taking it one day at a time. It’s true what they say about grief, that it never really goes away.
We had lost pets too, and even up to now, it’s tough to write about them without tearing up.
And there was fear and worry: fear and worry because of getting older, because of my parents getting older, because of jumping into art and writing full-time, because of worrying about our pets, because of the pandemic, because of the country’s political situation and election season coming up, and because of the climate crisis.
There’s a lot of external factors at play that I could never control, but I keep relearning about how I can control my own responses to what’s happening within and around me, to always keep ‘Immanuel’ or ‘God with us’ in mind, and to do my part as a citizen to keep sowing hope rather than fear or hatred, and to contribute to helping the environment in my own little ways.
Aside from these, of course there were feelings of joy like when I pushed the pedal of my bicycle and it moved a few meters away, of contentment like when I sat in between my Mom and Dad on the sofa as we tried to take a nap together with light music playing in the background, of love like when I heard one of my closest friends Julie say she loved her husband very much, and of relief and gratefulness like when we saw my Dad again, done with his quarantine in his designated hotel, stepping out into the afternoon sunlight.
Pardon for Sins
There were moments when I could have done better, replied to others with a little consideration about response time, communicated with kindness and not with an irritated or rude tone, and helped more. I try to imagine my better version, and I can imagine her, thankfully. If I could do that, then I could be her, slowly.
Welcoming 2022
I am hoping and praying always too for good health for my family, my friends and their families, and basically, everyone!
It’s the elections in May 2022, and it’s one of the things that I’m constantly worrying about. I pray that hope, love, integrity, and kindness prevail of every Filipino…
The climate crisis is still going on, and I want to be more active in spreading more awareness about helping our environment through art and stories.
I want to keep advocating more about cats and dogs too!
This 2021, I’ve given myself time to grieve, to work hard, and to rest, and there were times when I was more focused on myself that I forgot about outward-living. What was I doing to serve God and others? God’s love and healing don’t stop with us. The love should be poured out to others when we have gotten our fill.
Last year, my main word was MAGIS which is Latin for much or more. And truly, I did feel things so much more than I ever have, more aware of myself, others, and our country, and went through so much internally and externally that only God knows about.
My word for 2022 is another word I would love to live by, and it’s AGAPE, and it’s the highest form of love. As I tried to better myself this year and of course in 2022, I want to serve God and others more with Agape.
I want next year to be the beginning wherein I operate not from fear anymore but from love.
“Miss no single opportunity of making some small sacrifice, here by a smiling look, there by a kindly word; always doing the smallest right and doing it all for love.” ― St. Therese of Lisieux
Friends, thank you for reading, and thank you for staying with me this 2021. I pray only the best for you and your family and your dreams! :-)
Here’s a quick little drawing for the new year:
There's a new cellist here
and he already lost his bow
in the year that was
"I lost my ability,
lost my heart,
lost my will—
what shall I do?"
he asked himself.
One day, he picked up
his cello and began
plucking the strings
"I still have my hands
and my fingers—
perhaps the show
can still go on."
He just plucked
and plucked
and was surprised
to hear music
Others heard it too
and loved the song
that came out
They brought out their
accordions, harmonicas,
flutes, keyboards,
violins, and guitars—
some broken, some out of tune,
some with missing keys,
and some with blocked holes—
and played with the cellist
They call it pizzicato
when you just pluck
or twist or pinch
a stringed instrument
The cellist was glad it was a real thing,
because after all his losses
and closed curtains,
he was still able
to make music
with the good friends who found him,
with all that was left,
with all that has stayed,
and with all that he had