2020: A Yearly Examen
The About Time theme by Nick Laird-Clowes plays through the speakers as I contemplate on this year. Like many others perhaps, I am by myself, separated from family for safety. I can’t complain, but I just want to say that it is sad.
Last year, I was with my parents and our pet cats in our home in the province.
I still remember how I cried when the clock said 12:00, Jan. 1, 2020. I thought:
“We made it.”
I’m thankful to God for a lot of things. He knows what they are. But mostly, I’m thankful that we made it. I feel like tearing up again now, the same way I did last December. I’ll try to do a shorter Yearly Examen for 2020. In the words of Jack Kerouac, “One day, I will find the right words, and they will be simple.”
The Examen is part of St. Ignatius of Loyola’s Spiritual Exercises wherein we reflect on the day we had. Below is a guide from Philip Kosloski:
After placing yourself in God’s presence, first give thanks to God for all the many blessings received during the past year. Pass through each month, remembering the blessings that occurred.
Pray for the grace to understand God’s divine providence.
Next, review each month again and take notice of any feelings or movements that occur in your heart while doing this activity. Whatever you may feel (whether it was a good feeling or bad feeling), ask God to help you understand why an event happened.
Fourth, ask pardon for any sins you committed, trusting fully in God’s mercy.
Last of all look forward to the New Year think of ways that you can collaborate more with God’s loving plan for your life. (Article written by Philip Kosloski from Aleteia.org)
Thanksgiving
I’m thankful for the frontliners and backliners in this fight against the virus, for the scientists, doctors, nurses, technicians, janitors, cleaners, grocery and convenience store staffs, delivery riders, farmers, security guards, maintenance and housekeeping staffs, teachers, drivers, members of the skeletal workforce in their companies, and everyone who keeps the world going when things went to a full stop. May we give them support, respect, and honor; may we not romanticize the sacrifices they have made with just empty promises and guarantees.
I’m thankful for my Mom and Dad and our relatives and their safety and health, for our dear cats and dogs, for technology—even if we may be apart we can still chat and have video calls, for old and new friends, for my friends/teammates at work, for our bosses, for people who continue to fight for others and the environment, who give hope even if they themselves feel depleted of it, who show up constantly to do their duties in whatever fields they are in.
I’m thankful for the video calls, chats, game nights and org meetings, Bible Study Sunday nights, thoughtful gestures, the gift-giving, the kind words, the honest and deep conversations, the advices, the how-are-you’s, the get-well-soon’s from the people around me, and the little projects I was able to do and accomplish (like I Wrote This To Remind You That…, Tiny Tutubi, On My Way, Magiscora, and the 100 Film Scenes). I'm thankful for pet cats and dogs for the peace they give. I’m thankful for people who volunteer to feed strays all over the city and country at the time of quarantines (and even during pre-pandemic times).
I’m thankful for family and friends who continue to support me in my passion which is writing and drawing. I seriously cannot thank you all enough.
I’m thankful for my body. This is the year I finally accepted her and saw how much she cared for me and wanted me alive and well. I’ll never say an unnecessary thing about you again.
I’m thankful for Tiger, the first cat I’ve ever fostered. I love and miss you, Tiggywiggles!
I’m thankful for The Feast Makati Soulfull Bulletin Team, Ang Ilustrador ng Kabataan, Haribon Foundation, our residence’s small group of catlovers, and the KBF Young Entrep Group.
I’m thankful for the time I was able to write three pages of my Morning Pages (brainchild of Julia Cameron from The Artist’s Way) for most of the days of 2020, having tangible handwritten records of this year.
I’m thankful for beautiful songs like Steffany Gretzinger’s The Olive Grove, The Gray Havens’ She Waits, the band Bleachers, Kodaline’s Saving Grace, Taylor Swift’s exile, You Will Be Found from Evan Hansen, and Sigur Rós’ Hoppípolla.
I’m thankful for artists and writers who gave us safe spaces to feel and be hopeful and recognize our sadness too. I’m glad to have read great books like Ms Isa Garcia’s The Light Years, We Love You, Charlie Brown by Charles M. Schulz, Troubling a Star by Madeleine L’Engle, The Knife of Never Letting Go & The Ask and the Answer by Patrick Ness, This Was Our Pact by Ryan Andrews, Supernova by Marissa Meyer, No One is Too Small to Make a Difference by Greta Thunberg, Shine by Candy Gourlay, The Last Time I’ll Write about You by Dawn Lanuza, and watched good shows/movies like BoJack Horseman (!!!), Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, Won’t You Be My Neighbor?, Run with the Wind, Start-up, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Cinderella and the Four Knights, Love in the Moonlight, About Time, Crash Landing on You, Reply 1988, Reply 1994, When the Camellia Blooms, Eurovision: The Story of Fire Saga, New Girl, Julie and the Phantoms, Little Women, From Up on Poppy Hill, Only Yesterday, Tales of the Earthsea…
Understanding God’s Divine Providence
In my journal around May, I asked God. If He is almighty, why couldn’t He stop the pandemic from happening, the crimes, and the injustices in society?
I don’t know. I wish I could have an answer. But for now, I think it suffices to acknowledge that we have free will. Man has freedom to do what he wants whenever, may it be good or bad. It would be wrong of me to blame God for something bad or incompetent that the man did out of his own accord. And if God did stop whatever it was that would cause immense pain and suffering, then that would have taken away our free will, and that is not love at all. Whatever evil that may be happening outside our periphery or under our noses, I trust that the Lord knows and sees.
For our family, we went through challenges too this year brought by the pandemic and the lockdowns. I only got to see my Mom and Dad for a few times this year, and I miss them so much. It was my first time to celebrate Christmas and New Year alone. Again, I have no reason to complain; it’s just that it’s sad. That’s all, and I hope that all of us who aren’t with our families lately, let’s look forward to the day we get to reunite again. God provided us opportunities to be strong for one another and to be patient as well. When we felt doubtful of things ever getting better, we had to let faith do the work. And I believe that God sends us one another as answers to our prayers.
Feelings throughout the Year
Shock. Anxiety. Anger. Confusion. Heaviness. Sadness. Joy. Gratitude. Panic. Worry. Happiness. Stress. Peace. Hope.
These are in no order, like how life goes. It’s never linear. It’s never always top of the Ferris wheel. And I am reminded of Rainer Maria Rilke’s words: “Let everything happen to you. Beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.”
Pardon for Sins
I’m thankful for people who reminded us all about our privileges. Sometimes I forget the privileges I have, thus blinding me from what my neighbor was feeling or undergoing. There were times too when I could have done some good, but I didn’t because of petty reasons. I pray that I could be better and kinder…
Welcoming 2021
Somehow, I feel hopeful about the coming year. We’ve seen what problems we have in society, so we should stay awake and see what we can do (little or big) to help our neighbors. I hope that we can be kinder to ourselves and to one another too. I pray to be more mindful, intentional, and attentive in what it is I feel that God wants me to do in life. No more mindless scrolling through social media! Haha! I need to make use of my time for more loving things.
I pray that I can live with MAGIS, AGAPE, and Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam in mind, in heart, and in soul every single day. For God and for my neighbors.
“We made it.”
Twelve months pass. The world is still going through the COVID-19 pandemic. My home country, the Philippines, suffers with her people who are greatly affected by injustice. We lost so many lives to sickness and crimes. The environment and the animals in their habitat are also stirred because of the wastes we produced this year.
Here we are in the last day of the last month of the year. I imagine all of us standing by a cliff, overseeing the new valley in which we will live for another 12 months before moving on to another and another. Yes, we made it. And it is something so small yet so big to be thankful for.
A lot of us may not be celebrating the New Year with family, pets, friends, acquaintances, or strangers who are not here anymore, so it would be good too spend a quiet moment of the day to remember them fondly. And to those who are still here with us, just tell them you love them in a way they can feel and know it, in a way you can do best.
